DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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