I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
