Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
