How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm both gender and math confused
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
