The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
