Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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