My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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