tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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