Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
