I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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