god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
