Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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