So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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