i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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