this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
