It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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