i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
