Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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