so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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