its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
