$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
