Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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