my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
