I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
