i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
