He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
