Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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