did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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