we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
