she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
