I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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