Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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