Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
