who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
