I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
