before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
