This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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