I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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