You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize