I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
