Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
