My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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