just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize