I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
