In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Enjoy the penises
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
