I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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