When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
