All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
