It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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