So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
