It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also, beer. Big fan.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
