this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
