I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
