hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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