Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
