Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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