wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
