She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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