literally had 100 drinks last night.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
