Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
