my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
